Overcome Financial Shame and Build a Healthier Relationship with Money
“When we believe there is not enough, that resources are scarce, then we accept that some will have what they need and some will not. We rationalize that someone is destined to end up with the short end of the stick.”
Financial well-being goes beyond financial stability; it’s about achieving a sense of security, freedom, and confidence in managing your financial life without feeling burdened by stress, guilt, or self-doubt. Achieving financial well-being means making decisions in alignment with personal values, maintaining balance, and feeling capable of navigating unexpected challenges. For many people, however, the path to financial well-being is blocked by systemic shame—a deeply ingrained sense of inadequacy related to financial status.
Systemic shame operates at a societal level, arising from cultural values and expectations about money, success, and self-worth. Social psychologist Leon Festinger’s theory of social comparison (1954) explains that people often evaluate their own success by comparing their financial and social status to those around them. This comparison, while natural, can lead to feelings of shame when individuals feel they fall short of societal standards. Systemic shame doesn’t merely influence how we feel about money; it affects our sense of self-worth, influencing personal relationships, professional confidence, and overall life satisfaction.
In this article, we’ll explore what true financial well-being entails, how systemic shame prevents many from achieving it, and steps to help overcome these barriers. By understanding the role of systemic shame, we can move toward a more balanced, values-driven, and fulfilling relationship with money.
What Is Financial Well-being?
Financial well-being isn’t simply about having wealth or avoiding financial stress. It’s a comprehensive state that includes three key components:
Security: A sense of confidence in managing daily financial needs while preparing for the future. This includes having a financial cushion for emergencies, meeting daily needs without stress, and feeling capable of handling the unexpected.
Freedom: The ability to make life-enriching choices without financial constraints. This could mean pursuing a career passion, investing in personal growth, or enjoying meaningful experiences without the shadow of financial worry.
Confidence: Trust in one’s ability to navigate financial decisions with clarity and knowledge. This includes having a sound understanding of personal finances, feeling informed about financial choices, and possessing the resilience to manage challenges.
Financial well-being enables individuals to approach life with peace of mind, focus, and joy. However, systemic shame often stands in the way, shaping our perceptions of success and financial worth, and making this state of well-being feel out of reach.
Understanding Systemic Shame and Its Impact on Financial Well-being
Systemic shame refers to the collective shame generated by societal values and norms that dictate how we view wealth, success, and self-worth. Unlike personal shame, which might be tied to individual experiences, systemic shame is reinforced by cultural standards that equate financial success with personal value. Systemic shame sets rigid expectations around financial achievement, subtly suggesting that financial worth equates to self-worth.
Festinger’s social comparison theory (1954) supports this, explaining how individuals assess their self-worth by comparing themselves to others in terms of financial and social status. When society celebrates high wealth as the pinnacle of success, comparisons can lead to feelings of inferiority, particularly when individuals feel they fall short of these standards. These feelings are not isolated to personal perceptions; they are part of a broader cultural context.
Research by Paul Piff (2017) on wealth and social behaviour further demonstrates the social dynamics of financial hierarchy, showing that wealthier individuals are often afforded more respect, opportunity, and validation in social settings. This hierarchy reinforces systemic shame for those who lack financial resources, perpetuating a societal cycle where self-worth is deeply tied to financial worth. When individuals internalise these messages, they experience not only financial shame but also a diminished sense of self-efficacy, making financial well-being feel elusive.
The Five Core Values of Financial Systemic Shame
Devon Price, PhD, identifies five key values that perpetuate systemic financial shame. These values act as societal pressures, shaping how we view ourselves about money, and creating barriers to financial well-being.
Individualisation: Society often promotes the belief that financial success or failure is an individual achievement, determined solely by personal effort. This narrative, often termed the “self-made” story, ignores systemic factors such as economic inequality, access to education, and opportunities. It can make financial difficulties feel like personal shortcomings, isolating individuals in their struggles and discouraging them from seeking help.
Consumerism: Modern culture equates material possessions with self-worth, encouraging people to measure their success by what they can buy. Consumerism creates a relentless cycle of comparison and inadequacy, leading people to feel they must continuously consume to keep up with societal standards. This pressure to “keep up” fuels financial shame when individuals feel unable to meet these expectations.
Perfectionism: The belief that financial success requires flawless management—never making mistakes, constantly earning more, and investing perfectly—leads to unrealistic expectations. Financial perfectionism causes chronic stress and dissatisfaction, making individuals feel that nothing they do is enough, and leading them to undervalue their progress.
Wealth as Power: Society frequently views wealth as a measure of power and status, creating a hierarchy where wealthier individuals are afforded greater respect and opportunities. This value contributes to financial shame among those who do not “measure up” to societal standards of wealth, leading to feelings of inferiority and decreased self-worth.
Personal Responsibility: The notion that financial success depends solely on self-discipline ignores the many structural and economic barriers that people face. This belief can foster self-blame, making individuals feel that financial hardship is entirely their fault. This internalised shame prevents them from recognising or addressing external influences, hindering their ability to achieve financial well-being.
Understanding these values highlights how financial shame is often a response to societal pressures rather than an indicator of personal inadequacy. Recognising this is essential for reclaiming a healthy, balanced relationship with money.
How Financial Shame Manifests in Life
Systemic financial shame affects every aspect of life, often appearing as stress, guilt, or avoidance when dealing with financial matters. This shame doesn’t only impact our feelings about money but influences our self-perception, behaviours, and relationships.
In Personal Life: Financial shame can create feelings of inadequacy, leading individuals to withdraw socially, avoid discussing money, or engage in unhealthy spending patterns to maintain appearances. This shame can impact mental health, contributing to anxiety, depression, and an ongoing sense of inadequacy when societal expectations are not met.
In Professional Life: In the workplace, financial shame can erode confidence, making it difficult to negotiate salaries, seek advancement, or even advocate for fair compensation. The need to “prove” oneself financially can lead to overworking, which may result in burnout and decreased job satisfaction. Over time, the pressure to meet external financial standards can create a cycle of dissatisfaction, where achievements feel hollow and true fulfilment remains out of reach.
Steps to Achieve Financial Well-being
Overcoming systemic financial shame and achieving financial well-being involves moving beyond societal expectations and cultivating a relationship with money that feels authentic and empowering. Here are seven steps to help guide you on this journey:
Acknowledge Financial Shame: Begin by recognising when and where financial shame arises. Notice the specific situations, conversations, or thoughts that trigger feelings of inadequacy, guilt, or stress. This awareness helps to identify how deeply these societal values have influenced your mindset, allowing you to start separating shame from your self-worth.
Tune into Physical Responses: Financial shame often manifests physically, through sensations such as a tense chest, clenched jaw, or tight shoulders. Psychologist Peter Levine’s work on trauma and somatic responses emphasises the importance of recognising these physical sensations to manage emotional stress. By paying attention to these responses, you can reduce the physical toll of shame and begin to address how it affects your body and mind.
Challenge Societal Beliefs: Reflect on how societal values—like individual responsibility or wealth as power—have shaped your views on money and self-worth. Consider whether these beliefs align with your own values or if they’ve been imposed externally. By questioning these values, you can redefine financial success based on personal standards rather than societal pressures.
Connect with Your Core Financial Values: Take time to identify what financial well-being means for you personally. Is it security, freedom, the ability to support loved ones, or simply enjoying life without financial worry? Aligning financial decisions with your values fosters a sense of authenticity, moving you away from societal judgments and toward a more satisfying financial life.
Practice Self-Compassion: Consider how you would respond to a loved one experiencing financial shame. Offer yourself the same understanding, recognising that everyone’s financial journey is unique. Self-compassion, as Kristin Neff’s research suggests, is essential for building a kinder relationship with yourself, allowing you to manage shame without self-criticism.
Seek Support and Connection: Systemic shame often leads to isolation, making it hard to seek help. Whether through trusted friends, family, or financial advisors, connecting with others normalises financial challenges and creates a supportive environment to share experiences. Remember that financial well-being is a shared journey, and seeking support is a strength, not a weakness.
Celebrate Progress and Small Wins: Achieving financial well-being is a journey and every small achievement counts. Celebrate the progress you make, whether it’s creating a budget, building a savings cushion, or making a financial decision that aligns with your values. Acknowledging these wins reinforces a positive relationship with money, making well-being feel both achievable and sustainable.
Journal Prompts Financial Well-being
Journaling and affirmations are valuable tools for exploring financial shame and building a healthier relationship with money. These practices allow for reflection, self-compassion, and realignment with personal values, which are essential in overcoming systemic shame and moving toward financial well-being.
Journal Prompts:
Reflect on Societal Influences: Which societal values (such as individualisation, consumerism, perfectionism, wealth as power, or personal responsibility) have most influenced your beliefs about financial success and self-worth? How have these values shaped your financial behaviours, thoughts, or stressors?
Identify Triggers of Financial Shame: Describe situations, conversations, or even social media comparisons that trigger financial shame. What specific thoughts or emotions arise in these moments, and how do they impact your behaviour or outlook?
Define Your Financial Values: What does financial well-being mean to you personally? What values (such as security, generosity, independence, or growth) do you wish to prioritise in your financial decisions? Reflect on how these values might differ from societal expectations and how you can realign your financial goals to reflect them.
Reframe Financial Mistakes with Compassion: Think of a financial decision you regret or a mistake that still bothers you. Write down the advice or compassion you would offer a friend in a similar situation, then extend those same words of understanding to yourself.
Visualise Financial Well-being: Imagine a future where you experience full financial well-being. How does this impact your everyday life, relationships, and choices? What does this future feel like emotionally, and what does it allow you to experience or achieve?
Affirmations for Financial Well-being
Incorporating affirmations into your daily routine can help reinforce positive beliefs about financial well-being. Here are some affirmations designed to help you build resilience, self-worth, and clarity:
“I am worthy of financial well-being, regardless of my past financial experiences.”
“My self-worth is not determined by my financial status or possessions.”
“I make financial choices that reflect my true values and support my well-being.”
“I trust myself to navigate financial challenges with resilience and clarity.”
“I am free from societal expectations and embrace a financial journey that aligns with my unique goals and values.”
These prompts and affirmations serve as tools to reframe and deepen your financial mindset, providing a foundation of self-compassion and intention as you move forward.
Moving Forward: Reclaiming Financial Well-being
Achieving financial well-being is a deeply personal journey that extends beyond the pursuit of wealth or security. It requires a shift in perspective—away from societal expectations and systemic shame and toward self-defined values, resilience, and self-worth. As systemic shame often limits financial self-efficacy, breaking free from these societal pressures allows you to make financial choices that genuinely support your happiness and align with your values.
By understanding the roots of systemic shame and learning to recognise the ways it affects your financial decisions, you can begin to redefine what financial success means for you. This journey may involve challenging long-held beliefs, seeking support, and practising self-compassion, but it ultimately leads to a more fulfilling, empowered relationship with money.
Achieving financial well-being is not about meeting external standards; it’s about creating a balanced, authentic financial life that supports who you are and who you aspire to become. With self-compassion, mindfulness, and commitment to personal values, you can dismantle systemic shame and move toward financial well-being, building a sustainable foundation for peace, freedom, and satisfaction.
Recommended Reading List
Here are four book recommendations to accompany the journey outlined in this article on achieving financial well-being. Each of these books offers insights into the psychology of money, the societal pressures surrounding wealth, and practical strategies for developing a healthier, values-driven relationship with finances.
"The Soul of Money: Reclaiming the Wealth of Our Inner Resources" by Lynne Twist. Twist challenges conventional notions of wealth and abundance, encouraging readers to shift from a mindset of scarcity to one of sufficiency. She provides insights on how to align financial decisions with personal values, making it a transformative guide for those seeking purpose-driven financial well-being.
"The Psychology of Money: Timeless Lessons on Wealth, Greed, and Happiness" by Morgan Housel. Housel explores how people’s financial behaviours are influenced by experiences, emotions, and societal expectations. Through compelling stories and research, this book provides a perspective on the role of psychology in financial well-being, encouraging readers to adopt a more balanced view of wealth.
"Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself" by Kristin Neff. Although not specifically about money, Neff’s work on self-compassion offers valuable tools for overcoming shame and self-criticism, which are essential in healing financial shame. Her guidance on self-kindness helps readers cultivate resilience and self-worth, integral to achieving financial well-being.
"Your Money or Your Life: 9 Steps to Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Achieving Financial Independence" by Vicki Robin and Joe Dominguez. A classic in the field of personal finance, this book provides a step-by-step guide to rethinking financial priorities, encouraging readers to define wealth based on personal values rather than societal expectations. It’s an excellent resource for building a values-aligned financial life focused on purpose and well-being.
These books offer diverse perspectives and practical guidance to support readers in addressing financial shame, cultivating resilience, and achieving a healthier relationship with money.
Article References:
Festinger, L. (1954). A Theory of Social Comparison Processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117-140.
Price, D. (2021). Laziness Does Not Exist. Atria Books.
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.
Kasser, T. (2002). The High Price of Materialism. MIT Press.
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